


Screw perfect.

by My_s0ul_is_yell0w



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Library, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, First Meetings, Light Angst, Love Confessions, Love Poems, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Past Character Death, Post-it Notes, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:48:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21850957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_s0ul_is_yell0w/pseuds/My_s0ul_is_yell0w
Summary: PS: I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we're from the same star.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 58





	Screw perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy reading this. Lots of Love.

Magnus bane had many interests and a multitude of ways to spend his free time. Whether it was partying or playing around with his cat or hanging out with his friends or simply binge-watching shows on Netflix, he had his means of entertainment to keep him busy. Though a corner of his apartment was completely stacked with books of almost all genres, reading was the one thing he didn’t do. There was a time when Magnus spent almost every waking moment with a book held in his hand. All the books used to be strategically arranged at different places. Few near his couch, few on the bedside table, few in the kitchen and always a few in his bag. He used to love reading then. Till the day his Mom died. When he was 15.  
  
Magnus’ mom was his best friend. Since his dad passed away when he was too small to remember, she brought him up, all on her own. Juggling multiple jobs at a time, she tried so hard to provide for her only son. Even amidst all the struggles, the one tradition they kept up was reading together. When Magnus was small, she used to read bedtime stories to him. As he grew up, the stories got bigger and once he started reading on his own, they started discussing whatever they read. All the gifts exchanged were books. And when she laid curled up on the hospital bed in the last stages of cancer, Magnus read to her. 

“I had a Mother who read me the things  
That wholesome life to the boy’s heart brings–  
Stories that stir with an upward touch,  
Oh, that each mother of boys were such!  
You may have tangible wealth untold;  
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.  
Richer than I you can never be –  
I had a mother who read to me.”  
  
Magnus still remembered the last poem he read to her. He wanted to ease her pain which had tremendously gone up after the last chemo session. He still remembered the tears that she shed once he finished reading. She had said how proud she was of him for the man he grew up to be. They hugged for a long time and Magnus doesn’t remember when he fell asleep. He only remembers waking up to her frozen hands. And that was the day Magnus touched a book for the last time. 6 years later, his aversion still stands. 

Today, sitting in the library Magnus cursed himself for falling for Raphael’s puppy eyes and agreeing to help him out in his literature assignment. How much ever they pretended to hate each other, they were closer than brothers. Raphael knew his situation and never forced him anytime but since his sister had an emergency and he had to leave immediately for an unknown amount of time, Magnus had agreed the first time he asked. Raphael was reluctant but he had no choice. And now Magnus was sat in front of Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises, glaring at it for the past 2 hours, still unopened.  
  
Get over it, Magnus. It’s just a book. You have to do it for Raphael. He said to himself and determined to not brood over anymore. He opened the book and started reading in search of whatever symbolism Raphael wanted for his assignment. The fact that he was sitting for around two hours in the same place, unmoving, had caught up sooner than he imagined. He wanted something to kick start his energy and thought of getting a coffee. Leaving his book and bag where it was, he plugged in on the earphone, took his wallet and walked away.  
  
Since the assignment was due in two days and he had wasted enough time procrastinating, Magnus hurried back so that he can finish reading as soon as possible and get out of the library. He decided to keep the earphones plugged in and opened the book once again. That’s weird. He hadn’t kept any bookmarks before leaving. Where did this piece of paper come from?  
  
“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking towards me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.”  
Cassandra Clare.  
  
Confusion clouded his thoughts as he read the quote multiple times written in the most beautiful handwriting he had ever seen. He didn’t remember seeing any paper before. Was it there in the book already? Did someone leave it there for him? He looked up and quickly searched around to see if someone is observing him. All he could see were few people scattered here and there immersed in whatever they were doing. Nobody looking for him. He shook his head and continued reading the book. What he didn’t see in a hurry was a pair of hazel eyes hidden behind the bookshelf few rows ahead of him.  
  
Halfway through the book, Magnus became too exhausted to continue and he decided to go back to his apartment. He sat for a while staring at the pink piece of folded note, unable to decide if it was meant for him and if he should keep it or was it just a random note. In the end, the hopeless romantic in him won and he kept the note safe in his pocket and walked away with a spring in his step. He didn’t know whether it was because he read a book after a long time or because he was genuinely happy before sleeping, he dreamt of his mom reading a bedtime story. Instead of the usual tightness in his chest he used to feel after dreaming of his mother, he woke up the next morning with a sense of serenity. Quite happy in fact.  
  
By the time he reached the library, Magnus had completely forgotten about the strange note. He was exhausted but he had to finish reading somehow. His seat next to the tall windows he sat yesterday was unoccupied and he deposited his belongings along with the coffee, started playing the music and continued reading from where he had left off yesterday. After what seemed like an hour or two, he actually lost track of time, his phone rang. Raphael was calling and because he wanted to talk properly rather than hushed whispers, he went out. The moment he opened the book after coming back, another folded piece of paper fell to his lap. A neon Green this time. Magnus opened it to see the now-familiar handwriting.  
  
“Maybe love at first sight isn’t what we think it is. Maybe it’s recognizing a soul we loved in a past life and falling in love with them again.”  
― Kamand Kojouri

  


PS: I thought you’ll never take a break.

  


Magnus stared at the note, mouth wide open, eyes moving rapidly reading it again and again. Somehow he felt like it was important to memorize the words. He was almost sure the note was meant for him. But he couldn’t grasp the fact that why would someone want to write secret love notes to him. After the initial shock wore off, he looked up and looked around. He knew he wouldn’t find anyone, but he just had to see if there were any familiar faces. Oh, who is he kidding? He came to the library just for one day. How can he already have familiar faces here? He was met with the same sight as yesterday. With a flutter in his heart and a smile on his face, he continued reading. Before leaving, his eyes swept around once more in a small hope of finding a face to put with that beautiful handwriting.

Morning came and Magnus woke up with a whole lot of happiness and a small tinge of regret and sadness. Today was the day of submission of the paper and today was the last day of his library visits. Magnus stared at the notes he had taped onto the refrigerator last night. He badly wanted to find the person behind this but at the same time, the tragedy of his previous failed relationship was pulling him back. Passing love notes hidden in library books? Probably a time pass for someone or an elaborate prank, maybe. But something inside him, something sounded a lot like his mother kept reminding him to tear down his walls and to see where this goes. And he decided to give the post-it note writer a chance. 

After the class, he waited around some time so that he can reach the library at the same time as yesterday. It sounded quite foolish when said out loud but something in his mind kept telling him that the notes were in fact meant for him. It might be an idiotic dream but a very small part of him hoped he’ll get a note today too. Magnus was tired yet he didn’t buy a coffee beforehand. If there actually was someone, then he should give them some time to place the note. He felt stupid enough as it is but somehow Magnus wanted another note. He got in and found his previous seat empty and breathed a sigh of relief. They shouldn’t have any problem finding him. 

  


To say Magnus was jumpy was the least of it. He looked up anytime he heard someone walking around. He searched around in what looked like a casual glance every few minutes. He turned hardly two pages before the alarm he had set for an hour to get coffee vibrated next to him. Closing the book and pocketing his wallet he walked away.  
  
Ten minutes was enough time to place the note. Right? Yes. That should be enough. He decided and walked back, eager to find the note. He sat staring at the closed book before him, the thrill of anticipation and a fear of not finding a note fighting equal parts in his mind. With shaking hands, he opened the book and there it was. A neatly folded yellow piece of paper.  
  
“I didn't know you would be here last night, but you were. We can't fight fate. Instead, we must accept that fate has given us a special opportunity.”  
-Lisa see  
PS: You have beautiful eyes.  
  
Magnus didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. The words were hitting too close to the heart and the notes were getting personal. Maybe he should accept the opportunity fate had given him. Shouldn’t he? He knew he wouldn’t find anyone but still, he looked up. Magnus was curious, to be honest. He at least wanted to know if it was a boy or girl. He wouldn’t have minded either way but it was good to know. Someone wants to get to know him. And someone wants to talk to him. And someone really took a lot of effort into finding quotes and writing notes to him. He sat thinking about what next for a while before returning to writing the assignment. He promised himself he would consider it later.  
  
That night Magnus stayed up late thinking. About the messages in gorgeous writing and his mother’s comforting voice. He had his fair share of heartbreaks. The person behind the post-it notes doesn’t know him. They haven’t met. They haven’t talked. They don’t know anything about each other. Yes, there is a chance that they might be attracted to him. But what next? Would they fell the same once they get to know him? What if this was just a passing fancy? Just a crush with no end result? What if he ends up being heartbroken? He didn’t want to risk it. There is a reason why he kept his heart hidden deep inside safe from the world outside surrounded by thick walls. To throw it away in a whim, for a little crush was not something he desired. Magnus tightened the grip around his heart. Somewhere deep inside he thought he heard a tired sigh soaked in sadness quite like his mothers’.

  


Three days. Magnus stayed clear of the library for three days. That was all he could manage before running back after class on the fourth day. The evening saw Magnus sat at the same chair near the window, Pride and Prejudice wide open in front of him. He kept glancing around once in a while. He wasn’t even sure the stranger will be there. It has been three days. If it was just a small crush like he feared it to be, then they wouldn’t have stayed back for this long. Worry started eating him up and he almost decided to run. But something pushed him back and he determined to give it another chance. He got up, looked around once and left for his usual coffee. By the time he came back, he was a mess. Thoughts running around wildly, hands shaking. Magnus sat down and opened the book almost and there it was. Another note. A peach coloured one this time. With trembling fingers, he opened the note.

“I choose to love you in silence…  
For in silence I find no rejection,  
I choose to love you in loneliness…  
For in loneliness no one owns you but me,  
I choose to adore you from a distance…  
For distance will shield me from pain,  
I choose to kiss you in the wind…  
For the wind is gentler than my lips,  
I choose to hold you in my dreams…  
For in my dreams, you have no end.”  
― Rumi  
  
PS: I missed you.

Magnus couldn’t hold back the tears that kept pouring out of his eyes. Whether it was out of relief or out of the excitement or the overwhelming love that was rapidly filling his heart, he didn’t know. All he knew that he had to let them out. He could feel his walls cracking. The fear slowly backing away, giving a place for hope and longing. He kept crying for what felt like an eternity. He had to find the person who missed him, who loved him. Who waited around three days without having a clue whether he would even come. He had to find the person who he fell in love with. It was scary. Falling in love. It has always been scary. But this..? This was something extremely strange, even for Magnus. Falling in love in just a few handwritten notes. He didn’t know what the future has saved for him. But he decided to take that leap of faith. Wiping off his tears, he tore a paper from his notebook and started writing. His mother had read it to him a really long time ago. But somehow it stuck to his mind, even after all these years.  
  
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”  
  
PS: How do I find you?  
  
  
Whoever they were, Magnus was sure that they were watching. He pocketed his note and left the one he wrote in the book and walked out. He badly wanted to hide somewhere and find out who it was but he also wanted the person to come up to him directly. There was a reason they chose to hide behind letters and Magnus respected it. 

  


He came running to the library the next day after class only to find a book already in place. Instead of the usual folded note, Magnus found a proper letter this time. He sat down to read it, feeling eyes on him. He didn’t dare look up.  
  
Magnus,  
  
I might be hiding behind post-it notes, but every single word I said is true. I have known you for some time now. When we. No. If we meet, you’ll know who I am. In fact, you already know who I am. We have talked before. Twice to be exact. It’s just that you don’t know that it’s me who is writing this letter. But before that, you have to decide whether you really want to meet me. I have to tell you a few things. After that, you can decide whether you want to meet me or not. Because I can live with the fact that you don’t love me. I can live with this. Loving you from afar. I can survive even if you decide to hate me after reading this letter. Because then, you’ll still be hating a stranger. But I cannot, for a second live with seeing that hatred in your eyes every time you look at me. I cannot run away from you Magnus. Even if you are not loving me, I’ll still have you in my life. As someone who’ll smile when we pass through the corridor. As someone who’ll occasionally says hi.  
  
I don’t know why or when or how but since meeting you for the first time, I had always known that you are going to be a pretty important person in my life. I never dared to approach you directly. I have known you for almost two years now. I have seen you joking around with your friends in the cafeteria. I have seen you dancing at parties. I have seen you fall in love with Camille. I have seen you drowning yourself in alcohol when she broke your heart. I have seen you slowly come back to life, back to the Magnus we all loved. The Magnus I loved.  
  
I have always wanted to come up to you and comfort you. But I was scared. Whatever excuse I used to justify myself with, nothing mattered. Because at the end of the day, I was just a coward.  
  
Soon after your break up with Camille, I happened to be sitting next to a drunk Raphael who apparently missed you so much, started rambling to me about how broken you were. I shouldn’t have stayed but he was talking about you. I sat back and tried to talk to him. I think he would kill me if he knows I said this to you, I am a little scared of him. Because at one point he was actually crying, telling how much he loved you. He kept talking about how amazing you are and how you owned the biggest heart. I was feeling proud you know. You didn’t even know me but I was jumping around internally to hear first-hand about how beautiful you are, inside out. 

  


But he also said certain things which in hindsight, I shouldn’t have stayed and listened. I am sorry Magnus. He talked about your mother and how her death shattered you. He talked about why you stopped reading books. I can never understand what you went through Magnus, but that day my heart was broken into a million pieces. I still don’t know how I can be in love with someone whom I haven’t even once talked properly to. The next time I saw you, I wanted to come running to you and hug you so tight and hide you from every pain in the world.  
  
That day, when I saw you in the library, staring at the book, a bit scared to open it, I wanted to come up and tell you that I’ll do it for you. But I was still a coward. And like the idiot I am, I wrote a message. Even though the way I said it was stupid, I meant it. With all my heart. I meant everything I said since then. Every single word. When you didn’t come back for three days, I thought I crossed a line. I thought I had lost you again. I came back every day after that. For two days I stayed here from morning till evening thinking maybe you had changed the time because I was a disturbance. 

  


And when you came the next day, I was so relieved, Magnus. I was hoping you would give me another chance. I promised myself that if you did, then I’ll stop hiding and come talk to you. And you did. You gave me a chance. You said you loved me. Even if you didn’t know who I was exactly, you said you loved me. You said you wanted to meet me. And I should have stopped hiding. But I am still the same coward when it comes to you. I am still hiding. 

  


Go home, Magnus. Think about what I said.  
  
If you decide to hate me, then you don’t have to come tomorrow. I won’t be a disturbance again. I will not come to the library any time you are here. But you shouldn’t stop coming after that. Because I think your mother would have wanted it. She would love that you didn’t give up on reading. She’ll always be watching over you, Magnus. She wouldn’t want you to hate books.  
  
If you decide to forgive me, I will be here Magnus.  
  
I love you.  
  
A.

  


PS: I feel like a part of my soul has loved you since the beginning of everything. Maybe we’re from the same star.  
-Emery Allen.

His heart was beating so fast, Alec was afraid for a second that it might jump out of his throat. He could see a myriad of emotions running through Magnus’ eyes. Shock and sadness and confusion and anger and everything else. Tears streaming out of his eyes. Alec cursed himself for hurting him. He wanted to save Magnus from pain and all his useless-self did was to cause more. He couldn’t stay any longer. He ran back to his dorm and buried himself in loud music drowning all his thoughts. The only thing he can do now is hope. Hope that Magnus will forgive him. Hope that tomorrow, when he goes back, Magnus will be there.

  


Time decided to be extra slow today. Alec kept checking his watch every now and then. He didn’t listen to a single word that was taught today. He knew it was pointless to come to class today but he couldn’t wait in the room doing nothing. Eventually, Jace had to kick him in the shin when the professor had called him out for daydreaming. 

  


Class ended and the first one out was Alec. He could see Jace’s questioning look but he didn’t have the time to explain. He had to be there when Magnus comes. If Magnus comes. Alec sat in his chair, hidden behind his usual bookshelf and waited.  
  
  
And waited for a long time. Magnus was not coming. Not today. He messed up. Badly. And he ended up hurting Magnus more. It was killing him from inside, what he did. Alec got up to leave and started packing his books only to stop hearing someone’s hurried footsteps. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Magnus had come. He came for Alec. He came even after reading all Alec had to say. Magnus had forgiven him. Magnus was looking around desperately. Alec knows he has to move. Go and meet Magnus. But his legs felt like lead blocks. Taking even a single step turned out to be difficult.  
  
What if Magnus sees him and decides he was not worth it? What if he came only because he wanted to know who he was? What if Magnus was going to say no? He will know in a few seconds.

  


Alec started walking towards him. Each footsteps echoing so loudly in the quiet library. Maybe that’s the blood pumping in his ears. He couldn’t tell for sure. Standing behind Magnus, he tried talking but his vocal cords seem to be protesting. Nothing came out but wind.

  


“Magnus “  
  
He could see Magnus stiffening. He could see Magnus taking a deep breath and slowly turning around. The moment their eyes locked, Alec stopped breathing. He couldn’t understand what Magnus was thinking. He didn’t know what to say. All the ways Alec imagined talking to Magnus, all the dialogues he practiced in front of his bathroom mirror, nothing made any sense anymore.  
  
“Alexander.”  
  
Alec couldn’t help but whimper. Magnus saw him. And he is still not running away. He is still staring into Alec’s eyes. Not moving.

  


“You promised me a hug, Alexander. Hiding me from all the pain in the world.” Tears were still there in his eyes. But there was also a smile in the corner of his lips. But Alec knew Magnus was not sad anymore. The tears were that of happiness.  
  
And Alec did hug Magnus. So tight that it knocked the breath out of Magnus. And Magnus was hugging him back. Equally tight. They held on to each other, sobbing. Two souls, broken and bruised, finding solace in each other.

Sitting next to you  
Is like  
Taking a sip  
Of eternity.  
The sun, the stars,  
The sky,  
Never tasted so good.  
  
-Christy Ann Martine.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking time to read this. Please let me know in reviews or @298_days on twitter  
> PS: None of the quotes or poems mentioned are mine. Credits are given to the authors.
> 
> The poem Magnus read to his mother is The Reading Mother by Strickland Gillian.  
> The verse Magnus wrote back to Alec is from 100 Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda.


End file.
